Theories on Love

There is a point in everyone's life that the question comes to you, what is love really? I have asked many a man and woman to share with me the answer and each varies greatly from the next. Yet to my observance I have found that no person describes love - not better- but at least with more conviction and passion than the one has held it and lost it. It gives justice to the dictum that "you can never understand nor appreciate the light until you have dwelt in the darkness".

Yet despite the incongruity among responses a few general themes crop up. They are like different schools of thought in the science of defining love. Allow me to share four (although this may not be all of them) popular theories or at the very least hypotheses of what love is:

1. LOVE IS GIVING IT YOUR ALL

The concept: This school of thought postulates that to love someone means to forgo all else. Love is the only thing that really matters and it shall conquer all. It says that when you are truly in love you are able to put everything aside including (and in most matters, especially) your pride. It doesn't matter whether you might get rejected or not, all that matters is that you gave it your all so that you will have "no regrets" .

Characterized by: The martyr
The essential element: Unconditional sacrifice, stubborn perseverance

The real deal: It is mostly subscribed to by people in the unrequited love situation. People who persistently pursue other people who either hurt or reject them constantly use this to justify their stubborn unwillingness to give up which in itself is a form avoidance of the inevitable pain that awaits them. Why are they so unwilling to give up? Because they are afraid of regretting giving up and they are constantly haunted by the ever so frustrating "What if" mentality. They keep giving themselves a reason to hold on because they're afraid of being in a situation where they think "maybe if I held on just a little bit longer". But the trouble is, as they continue to waste their own lives running after (sometimes literally) people who, odds are, will never give in to them, their friends and family (and sometimes curious onlookers) will think that they are pathetic, petty and to be quite look like big losers. So this is where that theory comes useful, they will tell you that they this is what it means to be in love, that they are the way they are because they are truly in love. Basically to paraphrase, what they're telling you is, "it's not my fault I'm being pathetic it's love's. I am not a loser, love makes me into one because that's what love is; and anyone else who disagrees or does less than what I'm doing (gradually turning one's self into a glutton for punishment) has never "really" loved before.

2.LOVE IS A GIVE AND TAKE

The concept: Quid pro quo it says, to love someone and be loved someone and be loved in return is a joining of lives and a unity of identity. What was once two are now one. It takes more than one person to make it work, both must make sacrifices and both must take as must as he or she gives.

Characterized by: The negotiator
The essential element: Ability to Compromise

The real deal: This is the conception of more mature lovers or those who have settled down to a secure and functioning relationship. There's a reason why this definition is not resorted to single individuals; because if you adapt this definition and its function; you're odds of getting someone dramatically drops. In savage jungle that is singlehood, basic psychology gives two important words to go by: "impression management". Given the courting system we have, you have to impress your target and continuously demonstrate high value. So there always need to put your best foot forward until "it" finally happens (at which point you can begin slowly showing you're grotesquely deformed other foot forward). But really, it's a definition and system that works, but it's no easy feat. But behind the apparent mature and reasonable appearance of this definition is an underlying less gallant purpose. Like the "Give it all" advocates, the usage of this definition serves its own psychological justifying purpose as well. When you are in a relationship and lose a fight or just don't get things you want; this is the line you console yourself and your bruised ego with. Whether you lost once or or lose every single one of your disagreements, you hide the shame by telling yourself (and all others who witnessed your defeat), "love is a give or take. Love is not selfish"

3. TO LOVE IS TO CARE FOR ANOTHER MORE THAN YOURSELF

The concept: Love is not about acquisition or possession. It is not about being I am yours and you are mine. Rather it is the simple condition of desiring the happiness of another person more than your your own.

Characterized by: the ninja
The essential element: Absence of expectations (riiiight)

The real deal: This the best weapon of those who don't get the meaning of the word "no". It is the elegant and even effective comeback to your "I'm don't want to be with you. I'm sorry". Indeed it is an easy favorite for those who's love are unrequited. Just a couple of notches above "love means giving it your all"; it is the defense against those who look down upon you (including yourself) for continuing to pursue a person who is just not interested in you. Here's the best part about subscribing to this definition, you're not a loser if you bring her flowers, or do her homework, or pick her up everyday with your car even when she has told you (and probably all of her and your friends) that she has no interest in you whatsoever. Why? Because you have "no expectations. You're not trying to impress her or anything or bribe her with your gestures, Nooo; you do these things because you love her and just want to see her happy" (note: everything that fell within the quotation marks in the previous sentence is meant to be read in a sarcastic and mocking tone). At least this is what you convince yourself you're doing. But here's the kicker, once you do manage to convince someone that these are your intentions, you get to continue doing all the courting with her defenses lowered as she is convinced that you have no expectations and before you know it BAM! she' might just fall for you.

4. LOVE IS LOVE

The concept: Love is beyond explanation. Because each heart is unique and each heart beats a different kind love. Love is simply love. Love cannot be contained in words.

Characterized by: The agnostic
Essential element: Belief in the ineffability of love

The real deal: A lot of times, when at debate is the topic on love, people would often throw in saccharine quotes to help their cases. Ladies and gentlemen, "love is love" is the Swiss-knife of love quotes because it can serve a multitude of purposes. For the first part, it is a safe yet profound-sounding answer when a potential partner inquires from you on your views about love. Also, if you are bombarded with love advice from your friends to the point that it gets annoying, you can pull this definition out and hope it will shut them up. A lot of people subscribe to this definition simply because it seems unconventional, cool and impressive. But does anybody seriously subscribe to this definition and not just use it to serve their own purposes? yes. The people who are advocates of this school of thought are those who have tried the other definitions for whatever purpose and have it proven wrong to them, they have tried giving it their all, tried making compromises, tried NOT having expectations but to no avail, love eludes them still. And a point simply came in their lives, that they realize that no matter how romantic or epic a line or quote is, it can never fully explain love.



CONCLUSION:

Given these four theories; I have come to the realization that usually, when people try to define love they do so in the attempt to either justify or gratify something about themselves. And when you begin to think about it, that should actually be pretty obvious. I mean, what other purpose would attempting to define love serve? I say we stop trying to define love. Not because it cannot be defines but because one has to realize that at the end of the day, no matter what definition or theory you adhere to; all you need to do is just simply love.