As valentines day draws near; so to begins the skeptical monologues of various sanctimonious individuals who feel that the holiday is a sham because (1) It has become too commercialized; (2) You shouldn't just pick one day to show someone you love them, you should do all year long and so on and so forth. In any case, so to afford Valentines Day it's day in court (so to speak) and because I have always been prone to writing letters to abstract and intangible concepts like love, free will and our immediate past president (say what you will. I'm still convinced that she's one of my past imaginary friends who faked her death and went rogue). However, this time around; to my utter surprise I found this morning the riposte of our dear Mr. Valentines Day. Why? A quick reading of its letter would lend us the answer vis-a-vis his intentions. It can be gleaned therefrom that his message was prodded by his desire to preserve his reputation and presumably, also by a lot of liquor. With that being said, for the benefit (or detriment) of all mankind, I present to you the absolutely drunken letter of valentines day:
....
Dear Mankind,
It's me, Valentines Day. I hear that you have some grievances regarding my day. I find that regrettable as I've always had the best of intentions. To be honest, I would probably apologize profusely for the your disappointment in me, I would, were it not for the fact that I have better words to convey my actual sentiments and it is this.. Fuck you! You fucking pretentious pricks! To be honest, I've been taking your crap for years and the only reason I'm writing this letter long overdue is because I've had enough. THAT and the fact that I ate two pounds worth of rum-filled chocolates. Those things aside, I just want to yell shut the fuck up you fucking dickheads. You've got some balls talking shit about me you self-righteous pigs. You tell me I am too commercialized, I'm a sham, I've lost integrity. Then some of you "pious" romantics tell me that I am pointless as you shouldn't give love just on one day. Well Fuck you.
To all you cynics out there who think I have lost meaning simply because a couple of greedy bastards decided to make a quick buck by selling cards, chocolate and flowers; let me tell you this: Get the fuck of your fucking high horse you fucking assholes. You think I had a choice in this matter? You think I like watching those cheap cardboard printouts with those pictures of midgets in diapers that they try to pass off as baby angels Do you think I even get cent from those fucking card companies? Fuck no. But you know what the sad part is? It's that you completely miss the fucking point. Do you honestly think, that the my integrity, the integrity of valentines day is compromised simply because people but those shit? Given, everything has just gotten a bit cliche but so what? The integrity of valentine days relies not on the gestures of man but the willingness of man to make a gesture. The essence lies in the heart, and as long as the sincerity of the man who expresses his love on valentines day remains pure, then valentines remains earnest even if he had to buy the a bouquet that's worth more than his watch. Do you really think that everybody is damn stupid? Do you really think it eludes the people's observation that on this single day, flower prices are hiked up by 500 percent? No it does not. People DO notice. The only thing stupid thing here is your ignorance. It does not matter even if every guy in the world buys the exact same card with exact same words and give the exact same box of chocolates. Because the truth is, valentines exists only between the two people that celebrate it, to the exclusion of everyone else. Even if every person in the world is using my day just to get laid, as long as there are two people in this world that celebrate it in the earnest belief that they are doing so in the honest expression their love then valentines day remains true to them. I remain sincere to people so long as they celebrate with sincerity. THAT, you fucking ignoramuses is the essence of my day. And your jaded cards, your cheap ass chocolates, and your overpriced flowers take nothing from my honesty. So shut the fuck up.
Now to all you lunatics there who claim that I am unnecessary insofar as you adhere to the belief that love should be celebrated and shown everyday, well to you as well I say: fuck you. Who the fuck ever told you that just because people have set a date on which they collectively profess their love in an exceptional manner that it would preclude any other form of romantic expression on the other days? By all means, if you so desire buy her a long stem rose every day and buy her an expensive dinner every night if you so wish (good luck with that). You are not compelled to celebrate your love on valentines day anymore than you are prohibited to do so on other days. By analogy, that's just about as absurd as saying we shouldn't celebrate our birthdays because we should be grateful for being alive everyday and not jut on your day of birth. The only real difference in assigning a date to it is that by making it a holiday, it gives people an excuse to remove their inhibitions and profess their love in ways they desire to profess it but are only restrained from doing so due to the norms of society. Valentines day gives them the opportunity to express themselves in ways that normal days would never allow them to do out of fear or embarrassment. And don't you even start saying that true love shouldn't be embarrassed, or shouldn't wait for an excuse to go all mushy and nutty in public. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO TELL ANYONE WHAT IS LOVE AND HOW TO LOVE.. so before you even try say anything so audacious, shut the fuck up.
For the most part, a lot of you are fucking hypocrites. You come here, whining like a bunch of pussies when in fact, most of you are just lonely, don't have a date, have a boyfriend/girlfriend but who's not into the mushy stuff or you're probably just douches who want to hate on me for the fucking sake of. For a lot of you, when you really do manage to find someone who would be willing to celebrate valentines with you; you're all swoon and aaauuuhhh... you make me sick you hypocritical bastards. Fuck you to hell.
Up yours (sincerely),
Valentines Day
P.S. seriously, fuck you to hell....
