Let me level with you here.
There has never been a point in human history when we were able to prove sufficiently the existence of God. Even assuming that we are able to prove that He exists (Which kinda fucks up the whole faith-based religion thing we've got going on) odds are; He already abandoned us a long time ago for the sick and shitty things that we as a race have managed to do, like: Slavery, nailing His Son on a damn cross and Windows Vista.
GOD: "YOU ASSHOLES!"Even assuming further that His magnanimous character would allow Him to overlook all that, if He hasn't up and went by then, He probably would have considering the recent development in fastfood industry which spewed out:
1. The McGangBang
The McGangBang is a relatively simple concept. Basically, you get yourself McDonald's double cheese burger (or a McDouble), get a McChicken or if you're in the Philippines and feeling cheap a Crispy Chicken Sandwich. You open up the McDouble, and right between the two patties you shove that Chicken sandwich in there and voila, presto bingo watchamafuckit- a McGangBang.
As you read this in plain text, you might think that this little fuck doesn't seem like a big deal. But it is there you are wrong my sweet little spiderchipmunkey - so wrong. I recall my first encounter the McGangBang and it was not a pleasant
experience. Of course, rumors have long passed about how it was a soulless beast of a sandwich and how eating it would ensure eternity in hell watching reruns of The Last Airbender - the movie. But I had always been among the braver of my peers and I dared to challenge these rumors.
I entered McDonalds in the same way I enter all popular fastfood joints, with guns fucking blazing. The people have gotten used to it actually and made no motion to acknowledge my entrance. I walked in with a callous demeanor and casually shoved an old lady to the ground as I took her place in line, throwing in a Clint Eastwood accent as I told her, "Lady, the architecture doesn't like you... Not one bit". As I began to make my order, I made an easy wave to some guy in the far right table so that the girl taking my order would think I was with someone and not just some fat douche ordering two kinds of burger for himself. Upon receiving the ingredients to the atrocity I was about to make, I quickly found myself a dark corner in the restaurant where I would perfect the unholy union shielded from the eyes of fragile spirited men. I will take no pains in narrating the emotionally scarring experience of how I did this, so allow me to speak of what happened right after it was done. Upon completion, I took a step back and marvel at the success of my creation. I thought to myself, "It doesn't seem so bad. It doe - OH MY FUCKING GOD!", it hit me, it took an actual second but it hit me. I was naked. So absolutely naked. I felt that I had eaten from the forbidden tree and now saw the universe as it was. I was overwhelmed. I was blown away. I was scared. As I took in what it was that I had created, I realized that this "thing" was never meant to be created. Given this realization, I hastily took the necessary steps to dispose of it - I began eating.
To say that it was a horrible experience would be an understatement. It was good. It was damn good. It so good that every fiber of conscience in my body seemed to reject it. But I carried on - for science. I finished it; and although I felt like I was less human after the experience, I survived. To be quite honest, I've been through worse. I've seen Kazaam.
Angels died when this movie was releasedHow I wish it was just a bit more emotionally disturbing though. Maybe then, I would never have had the audacity to try...
2. KFC's Double-Down Burger
The double-down just came to the Philippines and I was giddy with glee. The moment I saw it on television in a commercial I made no hesitation and broke into song, followed by the determination to conquer this monstrosity that seemed less sandwich and more whatthefuckinghellisthat. My previous success in walking away from the McGangBang not entirely soulless had inspired me to take on this entity that people have begun saying is the reincarnation of Hitler. I mean, how much different could it have been? I was wrong. How wrong was I? I was internet wrong.
Picture this scene ladies and frogs, a handful of KFC patrons casually eating their wimpy original recipe chickens when suddenly, a gust of wind slammed the glass doors opens. They had to shield their eyes with their hands from the sudden bright light as they made out the vague silhouette of man whose eyes shone with the fiery of chuck norris' poodle. I walked in at a pace slower than baywatch, I knocked off the snow from my boots and with a maddened stare proclaimed, "I'm here for the Double Down". I was greeted with shocked silence. I wasn't sure their stunned expressions were due to my bold declaration or due to wonder as to where the hell had I gotten snow on me in the Philippines on a hot October day. I gave no moment to the thought. I walked forward and ordered myself a double-down, not even asking if there was anybody else who had eaten one of these little bastards before me. It was never about being the one to eat it first, the question was who could walk away with a speck of humanity left after. I didn't.
I admit, it's appearance had intimidated me before much more than the McGangBang. One sight of this "sandwich" is enough to lead you to the conclusion that it was borne from the armpits of Satan himself. You are wrong. Nothing could have prepared me for the first bite, coupled with the realization that not even Satan himself is capable of producing such an abomination. I had made a miscalculation. Due to my partial success with the McGangBang, I had overlooked one core difference between them. At one point in time, the McGangBang had not always been evil. The McDouble was a good sandwich and the McChicken was once innocent as well. It was their union that corrupted them. But because of this, there is still a semblance of good in the McGangBang. The Double-Down is different. There was never a time through its existence that it resembled anything remotely good. From its inception to its consumption the Double-Down was always and will always be an existence that existence should never allow.
I realized this too late. I was empty. My soul was mutilated beyond redemption. I began to speculate that the Double-down was KFC's first weapon in the attempt to conquer hell, but I lost that train of thought. Because it didn't matter. I was left with an existential numbness that left me with an expression that can only be described as similar to Kristin Stewart's facial expression/attempt-at-acting in Twilight.
Pictured: Double-Down SyndromeLadies and Gentlemen, I am not a happy man. But bitter pain would be a welcome feeling next to this sheer emptiness that surrounds my being. For this reason, I have to apologize, because in my attempt to escape this soundless prison called a meaningless existence, I dared to undo reality by creating the Antichrist; otherwise known as what I call
3. THE McWHATTHEFUCK
It took me sometime to think up the manner in which I would release myself (and the rest of humanity) from this giant caged called reality as it would involve some serious meta-physical shit that I am in no way equipped to perform. But then it hit me, how did I get here in the first place? At that instant, everything became simple. I would create a being so vile and so abominous (I made that word up) that existence rather than expelling this entity would itself fuck itself to avoid acknowledging it. That is when I though of combining the McGangBang and the Double-Down to create the McWhatthefuck
I tried to take pictures but this is the only imagethat would come out
The process was relatively simple, I would create a McGangBang but instead of lodging a McChicken between the patties, I would place the Double-down there.
As I opened the McDouble, I could feel a strong tremor shaking the whole earth, thunderstorms brewed atop the restaurant as the universe waited in anticipation of the horror I was about to commit. As I began to move the Double-down and complete the union, the winds howled loudly as I heard the banging of fists against the windows, zombies seemed to appear out of nowhere and attempting to breach the restaurant. It was the universe, breaking its own rules in its last feeble attempt at self-preservation. The rapping on the glass grew stronger, I could hear in the distance the sound Keanu Reeves being ripped to shreds by what I hope are transvestites. The lights went out. The people around me had all dropped dead. Each one rising slowly as a reanimated corpse. I took no heed. And in a last gesture of defiance, I flicked my finger at the sky and perfected the ghastly matrimony. I created the McWhatTheFuck. At that moment, a bright flash filled the room and when my vision returned everything seemed to return back to normal. I could still hear the horde of zombies outside the restaurant though, but then I realized that they had always been there since Obama became president of the US. I felt different though. It was like a heavy burden was lifted from my shoulders, it was though the tangles of reality did not... well... entangle me anymore. But what could have brought upon this change.?Then I looked across the street to see that Kristin Stewart was holding what could only be an Oscar Trophy. I dropped my gun which I now realize I've been holding the whole time. There was only one possible explanation for this; and it is that...
I killed God. I fucking killed God. In some significant philosophical way that I'm not sure is entirely true, the creation of the McWhatTheFuck must have eradicated his existence or some philosophical shit like that. I looked down, the McWhatTheFuck was still there, it looked innocent now. Dare I take a bite? What kind of Ungodly powers would I attain? Will we ever be rid of twilight? All very good questions. All to be answered in space.
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