2 Easy Steps to Cheat Your Way in to Heaven

Have you ever tried one of those "5 free and simple ways to earn money online" gimmicks? The ones where they tell you that after buying their product you'll be living filthy rich like a pimp who owns Megan Fox and a cloning machine? Only to find after you fork over your cash that when they said "5" they actually meant "50"; and when they said "simple" they actually meant "Simply frustrating" and when they said free they actually meant - not. Ladies and Gentlemen, unfortunately for you this is one of those kind of things. To be certain, there really is no 5 second solution for all your excessive sinning and moral perversity. What I do have however, is system that with a bit of effort, you can utilize to ascertain that you can go straight to heaven without having to suffer in purgatory. That's right - easy access. But like I said, it may take effort; so if you're the kind of lazy bum that would ignore anything any program that exceeds the 3 step mark than this isn't for you; but for those who are seriously into some major sinning and willing to sacrifice precious sinning time to ensure a seat in el paradiso than you can bet I'm your best friend. But first let's understand a couple of concepts:

I. SIN

The first thing you need to know is that there are two kinds of punishment to sin - eternal and temporal. The moment you commit a mortal sin, you incur eternal punishment, which basically means you will rot in hell for all eternity . Yep you read right, I shit you not; even committing one mortal sin is enough to keep you away forever. But fret not, eternal punishment is easily cure by the sacrament of reconciliation or going to confession; which then leaves you only to suffer temporal punishment. Basically temporal punishment is suffering in purgatory, you're stilling going to heaven but you need to do some time in limbo before you do. This is where this article comes in. I will be showing you how it is possible to skip the whole purgatory mess and the technique used is something called indul - wait for it - gence - indulgence. I will be explaining this in a bit but before that let's go to step one:

step 1: make sure to confess your sins after every major sinning spree. Don't worry, confession have no limits so feel free to sin some more afterward.

INDULGENCES


Now what are indulgences? They are a remission of your temporal punishments. Now how do they work and where do they come from? Well, the idea was; that due to the awesome sacrifices of saints here on earth, God gave the church a couple of holy coupons for it to give to individuals who the church deems worthy. Now at first, the catholic church had a finite amount of these indulgences. However, after the Sacrifice of the Big J-Christ, the church was granted an unlimited supply of these monopoly-like get-out-of-jail-free cards, which they now take from what is called the the "Treasure House of Merits" (Props for the awesome name)

And that ladies and gents is your next and final step

step 2: Get an indulgence


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That is your two step program my friends on how to cheat your way into heaven. Now before you get all huffy I'm going to give you some bonus material just because I like you. Now there are several ways to get you some sweet-ass indulgences and they are contained in a list which is awesome called the Enchiridion Indulgentiarum (Which kinda sounds like optimus prime's first cousin). Take not however that when i say indulgence i mean full or plenary indulgence, not that weak-ass partial kind. After all, it wouldn't be really a free pas if it's not completely free right?

Now the first and easiest way to get a full indulgence is by being lucky, there are times when the Vatican would send a global blessing called the Urbi et Orbi in which upon seeing or hearing it in your TV or radio (whether youtube counts or not is yet to be determined) you automatically get the free pass. Another is by taking part in one of those global religious like the World Youth Day and the sort. Also, if you're lucky enough to have a bishop as friend, he is allowed to give three plenary indulgences a year on Eucharistic occasions of his choice.

Now the problem with this occasion-attached indulgences is that we can't wait for them to come around while we're doing our sinning. Odds are, if you've read this far then you probably have some diabolical plans right now; diabolical plans that probably would incur the wrath of vigilantes or something. Given this, you might think: "I would be dead before I get indulged (is that the proper word?)". Wary not my friends because after combing through the Enchiridion Indulgentiarum, I have found that there is a 4 step/ two hour activity you can do at the end of everyday that would allow you plenary indulgences. I will enumarate:

1. Piously reading or listening to Sacred Scriptures for at least half an hour.
2. Adoration of Jesus in the Eucharist for at least half an hour.
3. The pious exercise of the Stations of the Cross
4. Recitation of the Rosary or the Akathist in a church or oratory, or in a family, a religious community, an association of the faithful and, in general, when several people come together for an honourable purpose

As you can see, by sacrificing a few hours of your time; you can yourself an easy pass to heaven.

SUMMARY:

Taking all this into consideration, I believe everything can be summarized into what I call the I-C-I Sinning System, an efficient patter of sinning that will allow you access to heaven without even going to purgatory. It's simple, first you indulge in sin (I), go to confession (C) and then get your self a plenary indulgence (I). Easy as pie.

FINAL WORDS:

Now, I am aware that some may be wary as to the applicability of all this. What if the system of indulgence is something that the church made up? What if upon presentation of your free heaven coupon at the pearly gates, you are denied entry? Rest assured ladies and gentlemen, even if the church did just come up with all this indulgence crap, heaven cannot deny your coupon. Because we have something called papal infallibility, which means that our pope (who created this awesome free pass system) can never be wrong. As Jesus told his rock “Amen I say to you, whatsoever you shall bind upon earth, it shall be bound in heaven …” (Matt. 18:18). This basically means, that whatever the Pope says, heaven has no choice but to follow. So they cannot possibly refuse you. Happy sinning.