My Review of The McGangBang, KFC's Doubledown Burger and the Antichrist

Let me level with you here.
There has never been a point in human history when we were able to prove sufficiently the existence of God. Even assuming that we are able to prove that He exists (Which kinda fucks up the whole faith-based religion thing we've got going on) odds are; He already abandoned us a long time ago for the sick and shitty things that we as a race have managed to do, like: Slavery, nailing His Son on a damn cross and Windows Vista.

GOD: "YOU ASSHOLES!"

Even assuming further that His magnanimous character would allow Him to overlook all that, if He hasn't up and went by then, He probably would have considering the recent development in fastfood industry which spewed out:

1. The McGangBang



The McGangBang is a relatively simple concept. Basically, you get yourself McDonald's double cheese burger (or a McDouble), get a McChicken or if you're in the Philippines and feeling cheap a Crispy Chicken Sandwich. You open up the McDouble, and right between the two patties you shove that Chicken sandwich in there and voila, presto bingo watchamafuckit- a McGangBang.

As you read this in plain text, you might think that this little fuck doesn't seem like a big deal. But it is there you are wrong my sweet little spiderchipmunkey - so wrong. I recall my first encounter the McGangBang and it was not a pleasant
experience. Of course, rumors have long passed about how it was a soulless beast of a sandwich and how eating it would ensure eternity in hell watching reruns of The Last Airbender - the movie. But I had always been among the braver of my peers and I dared to challenge these rumors.

I entered McDonalds in the same way I enter all popular fastfood joints, with guns fucking blazing. The people have gotten used to it actually and made no motion to acknowledge my entrance. I walked in with a callous demeanor and casually shoved an old lady to the ground as I took her place in line, throwing in a Clint Eastwood accent as I told her, "Lady, the architecture doesn't like you... Not one bit". As I began to make my order, I made an easy wave to some guy in the far right table so that the girl taking my order would think I was with someone and not just some fat douche ordering two kinds of burger for himself. Upon receiving the ingredients to the atrocity I was about to make, I quickly found myself a dark corner in the restaurant where I would perfect the unholy union shielded from the eyes of fragile spirited men. I will take no pains in narrating the emotionally scarring experience of how I did this, so allow me to speak of what happened right after it was done. Upon completion, I took a step back and marvel at the success of my creation. I thought to myself, "It doesn't seem so bad. It doe - OH MY FUCKING GOD!", it hit me, it took an actual second but it hit me. I was naked. So absolutely naked. I felt that I had eaten from the forbidden tree and now saw the universe as it was. I was overwhelmed. I was blown away. I was scared. As I took in what it was that I had created, I realized that this "thing" was never meant to be created. Given this realization, I hastily took the necessary steps to dispose of it - I began eating.

To say that it was a horrible experience would be an understatement. It was good. It was damn good. It so good that every fiber of conscience in my body seemed to reject it. But I carried on - for science. I finished it; and although I felt like I was less human after the experience, I survived. To be quite honest, I've been through worse. I've seen Kazaam.

Angels died when this movie was released

How I wish it was just a bit more emotionally disturbing though. Maybe then, I would never have had the audacity to try...

2. KFC's Double-Down Burger


The double-down just came to the Philippines and I was giddy with glee. The moment I saw it on television in a commercial I made no hesitation and broke into song, followed by the determination to conquer this monstrosity that seemed less sandwich and more whatthefuckinghellisthat. My previous success in walking away from the McGangBang not entirely soulless had inspired me to take on this entity that people have begun saying is the reincarnation of Hitler. I mean, how much different could it have been? I was wrong. How wrong was I? I was internet wrong.

Picture this scene ladies and frogs, a handful of KFC patrons casually eating their wimpy original recipe chickens when suddenly, a gust of wind slammed the glass doors opens. They had to shield their eyes with their hands from the sudden bright light as they made out the vague silhouette of man whose eyes shone with the fiery of chuck norris' poodle. I walked in at a pace slower than baywatch, I knocked off the snow from my boots and with a maddened stare proclaimed, "I'm here for the Double Down". I was greeted with shocked silence. I wasn't sure their stunned expressions were due to my bold declaration or due to wonder as to where the hell had I gotten snow on me in the Philippines on a hot October day. I gave no moment to the thought. I walked forward and ordered myself a double-down, not even asking if there was anybody else who had eaten one of these little bastards before me. It was never about being the one to eat it first, the question was who could walk away with a speck of humanity left after. I didn't.
I admit, it's appearance had intimidated me before much more than the McGangBang. One sight of this "sandwich" is enough to lead you to the conclusion that it was borne from the armpits of Satan himself. You are wrong. Nothing could have prepared me for the first bite, coupled with the realization that not even Satan himself is capable of producing such an abomination. I had made a miscalculation. Due to my partial success with the McGangBang, I had overlooked one core difference between them. At one point in time, the McGangBang had not always been evil. The McDouble was a good sandwich and the McChicken was once innocent as well. It was their union that corrupted them. But because of this, there is still a semblance of good in the McGangBang. The Double-Down is different. There was never a time through its existence that it resembled anything remotely good. From its inception to its consumption the Double-Down was always and will always be an existence that existence should never allow.

I realized this too late. I was empty. My soul was mutilated beyond redemption. I began to speculate that the Double-down was KFC's first weapon in the attempt to conquer hell, but I lost that train of thought. Because it didn't matter. I was left with an existential numbness that left me with an expression that can only be described as similar to Kristin Stewart's facial expression/attempt-at-acting in Twilight.

Pictured: Double-Down Syndrome

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am not a happy man. But bitter pain would be a welcome feeling next to this sheer emptiness that surrounds my being. For this reason, I have to apologize, because in my attempt to escape this soundless prison called a meaningless existence, I dared to undo reality by creating the Antichrist; otherwise known as what I call

3. THE McWHATTHEFUCK

It took me sometime to think up the manner in which I would release myself (and the rest of humanity) from this giant caged called reality as it would involve some serious meta-physical shit that I am in no way equipped to perform. But then it hit me, how did I get here in the first place? At that instant, everything became simple. I would create a being so vile and so abominous (I made that word up) that existence rather than expelling this entity would itself fuck itself to avoid acknowledging it. That is when I though of combining the McGangBang and the Double-Down to create the McWhatthefuck

I tried to take pictures but this is the only image
that would come out

The process was relatively simple, I would create a McGangBang but instead of lodging a McChicken between the patties, I would place the Double-down there.

As I opened the McDouble, I could feel a strong tremor shaking the whole earth, thunderstorms brewed atop the restaurant as the universe waited in anticipation of the horror I was about to commit. As I began to move the Double-down and complete the union, the winds howled loudly as I heard the banging of fists against the windows, zombies seemed to appear out of nowhere and attempting to breach the restaurant. It was the universe, breaking its own rules in its last feeble attempt at self-preservation. The rapping on the glass grew stronger, I could hear in the distance the sound Keanu Reeves being ripped to shreds by what I hope are transvestites. The lights went out. The people around me had all dropped dead. Each one rising slowly as a reanimated corpse. I took no heed. And in a last gesture of defiance, I flicked my finger at the sky and perfected the ghastly matrimony. I created the McWhatTheFuck. At that moment, a bright flash filled the room and when my vision returned everything seemed to return back to normal. I could still hear the horde of zombies outside the restaurant though, but then I realized that they had always been there since Obama became president of the US. I felt different though. It was like a heavy burden was lifted from my shoulders, it was though the tangles of reality did not... well... entangle me anymore. But what could have brought upon this change.?Then I looked across the street to see that Kristin Stewart was holding what could only be an Oscar Trophy. I dropped my gun which I now realize I've been holding the whole time. There was only one possible explanation for this; and it is that...

I killed God. I fucking killed God. In some significant philosophical way that I'm not sure is entirely true, the creation of the McWhatTheFuck must have eradicated his existence or some philosophical shit like that. I looked down, the McWhatTheFuck was still there, it looked innocent now. Dare I take a bite? What kind of Ungodly powers would I attain? Will we ever be rid of twilight? All very good questions. All to be answered in space.

Seeing Ghosts in Beautiful Places

"The shade was right and the sun's rays refracted against a thousand leaves to leave a gentle glow. What heat managed to penetrate was brushed away by the perfect breeze. "

You'd think that there was no place on earth as perfect as this. But there are; countless of beautiful sceneries, each of which the majesty of its view is only rivaled by the seeming perfection of the moment. Luckily, of the millions of patches of heaven on earth that exist on our planet, this summer has allowed me visit to a few. Probably far from the most beautiful by the world's ranking, but breathtaking nonetheless. It's hard to imagine how anything could take away the feeling of the perfect moment when I am here. But I can easily imagine what it would take to do the impossible and improve upon this perfection - and it is if you were here.

It first came far from the city, we were headed towards a place of which the name at first seemed doubtful. It was called a farm, so my hopes weren't high as I expected some sort of plantation. Little did I expect the grandeur that awaited me as I found myself treated to one of the most exquisite places I have been to. It was s beautiful place, well developed. There was a small lake (if you could call it that) in the middle of the scenery and a small boat at the end of a small little pier was open. I climbed aboard, and rowed myself around. It was in that moment as I took in the ambiance of serenity did I see you, and I imagined your dimpled smile when you were right in front of me, as we shared this moment together. Perhaps it was my desire to be dramatic or perhaps my moment of being neurotic, that made me drop the oars for a moment and reached out to grab this vision of you, only to have you disappear like smoke between my fingers. As I docked myself back to dry land, I saw a tall tree house, and as I climbed its spiral stairway, I could see you at the top, goading me to come top quicker to see the view. Of course I obliged, only to be disappointed when reaching the very top, as I enjoyed that view alone. Along that afternoon, I would see you in every corner of that place where I could imagine us posing for the perfect picture. I could imagine all to well. By the end of that visit, I had all but chased this vision so vivid, that only to preserve my dignity and belief in my sanity do I hesitate to call it a hallucination. As we left the "farm" this ghost teased me one more time as I saw it gesture for me to take her hand. My mind told me to stop this. But my heart had me reach for it anyway - yet again only to disappear and leaving me with a clenched empty hand.

And until that day came to end, I would see ghosts of you in every beautiful place that I came across. Probably spawned from my desire to share these places and these moments with you. I saw you by the red tree at the butterfly farm. I saw you you dip your legs in the floating cottages of lake danao. And finally, I saw you lean against my arm in the car as we went home, you were exhausted from our day in beautiful places.


.....
"My love. I have long realized that my life would not end if you're not in it. But that doesn't change the fact that it would be so much better if you were"
....

Theories on Love

There is a point in everyone's life that the question comes to you, what is love really? I have asked many a man and woman to share with me the answer and each varies greatly from the next. Yet to my observance I have found that no person describes love - not better- but at least with more conviction and passion than the one has held it and lost it. It gives justice to the dictum that "you can never understand nor appreciate the light until you have dwelt in the darkness".

Yet despite the incongruity among responses a few general themes crop up. They are like different schools of thought in the science of defining love. Allow me to share four (although this may not be all of them) popular theories or at the very least hypotheses of what love is:

1. LOVE IS GIVING IT YOUR ALL

The concept: This school of thought postulates that to love someone means to forgo all else. Love is the only thing that really matters and it shall conquer all. It says that when you are truly in love you are able to put everything aside including (and in most matters, especially) your pride. It doesn't matter whether you might get rejected or not, all that matters is that you gave it your all so that you will have "no regrets" .

Characterized by: The martyr
The essential element: Unconditional sacrifice, stubborn perseverance

The real deal: It is mostly subscribed to by people in the unrequited love situation. People who persistently pursue other people who either hurt or reject them constantly use this to justify their stubborn unwillingness to give up which in itself is a form avoidance of the inevitable pain that awaits them. Why are they so unwilling to give up? Because they are afraid of regretting giving up and they are constantly haunted by the ever so frustrating "What if" mentality. They keep giving themselves a reason to hold on because they're afraid of being in a situation where they think "maybe if I held on just a little bit longer". But the trouble is, as they continue to waste their own lives running after (sometimes literally) people who, odds are, will never give in to them, their friends and family (and sometimes curious onlookers) will think that they are pathetic, petty and to be quite look like big losers. So this is where that theory comes useful, they will tell you that they this is what it means to be in love, that they are the way they are because they are truly in love. Basically to paraphrase, what they're telling you is, "it's not my fault I'm being pathetic it's love's. I am not a loser, love makes me into one because that's what love is; and anyone else who disagrees or does less than what I'm doing (gradually turning one's self into a glutton for punishment) has never "really" loved before.

2.LOVE IS A GIVE AND TAKE

The concept: Quid pro quo it says, to love someone and be loved someone and be loved in return is a joining of lives and a unity of identity. What was once two are now one. It takes more than one person to make it work, both must make sacrifices and both must take as must as he or she gives.

Characterized by: The negotiator
The essential element: Ability to Compromise

The real deal: This is the conception of more mature lovers or those who have settled down to a secure and functioning relationship. There's a reason why this definition is not resorted to single individuals; because if you adapt this definition and its function; you're odds of getting someone dramatically drops. In savage jungle that is singlehood, basic psychology gives two important words to go by: "impression management". Given the courting system we have, you have to impress your target and continuously demonstrate high value. So there always need to put your best foot forward until "it" finally happens (at which point you can begin slowly showing you're grotesquely deformed other foot forward). But really, it's a definition and system that works, but it's no easy feat. But behind the apparent mature and reasonable appearance of this definition is an underlying less gallant purpose. Like the "Give it all" advocates, the usage of this definition serves its own psychological justifying purpose as well. When you are in a relationship and lose a fight or just don't get things you want; this is the line you console yourself and your bruised ego with. Whether you lost once or or lose every single one of your disagreements, you hide the shame by telling yourself (and all others who witnessed your defeat), "love is a give or take. Love is not selfish"

3. TO LOVE IS TO CARE FOR ANOTHER MORE THAN YOURSELF

The concept: Love is not about acquisition or possession. It is not about being I am yours and you are mine. Rather it is the simple condition of desiring the happiness of another person more than your your own.

Characterized by: the ninja
The essential element: Absence of expectations (riiiight)

The real deal: This the best weapon of those who don't get the meaning of the word "no". It is the elegant and even effective comeback to your "I'm don't want to be with you. I'm sorry". Indeed it is an easy favorite for those who's love are unrequited. Just a couple of notches above "love means giving it your all"; it is the defense against those who look down upon you (including yourself) for continuing to pursue a person who is just not interested in you. Here's the best part about subscribing to this definition, you're not a loser if you bring her flowers, or do her homework, or pick her up everyday with your car even when she has told you (and probably all of her and your friends) that she has no interest in you whatsoever. Why? Because you have "no expectations. You're not trying to impress her or anything or bribe her with your gestures, Nooo; you do these things because you love her and just want to see her happy" (note: everything that fell within the quotation marks in the previous sentence is meant to be read in a sarcastic and mocking tone). At least this is what you convince yourself you're doing. But here's the kicker, once you do manage to convince someone that these are your intentions, you get to continue doing all the courting with her defenses lowered as she is convinced that you have no expectations and before you know it BAM! she' might just fall for you.

4. LOVE IS LOVE

The concept: Love is beyond explanation. Because each heart is unique and each heart beats a different kind love. Love is simply love. Love cannot be contained in words.

Characterized by: The agnostic
Essential element: Belief in the ineffability of love

The real deal: A lot of times, when at debate is the topic on love, people would often throw in saccharine quotes to help their cases. Ladies and gentlemen, "love is love" is the Swiss-knife of love quotes because it can serve a multitude of purposes. For the first part, it is a safe yet profound-sounding answer when a potential partner inquires from you on your views about love. Also, if you are bombarded with love advice from your friends to the point that it gets annoying, you can pull this definition out and hope it will shut them up. A lot of people subscribe to this definition simply because it seems unconventional, cool and impressive. But does anybody seriously subscribe to this definition and not just use it to serve their own purposes? yes. The people who are advocates of this school of thought are those who have tried the other definitions for whatever purpose and have it proven wrong to them, they have tried giving it their all, tried making compromises, tried NOT having expectations but to no avail, love eludes them still. And a point simply came in their lives, that they realize that no matter how romantic or epic a line or quote is, it can never fully explain love.



CONCLUSION:

Given these four theories; I have come to the realization that usually, when people try to define love they do so in the attempt to either justify or gratify something about themselves. And when you begin to think about it, that should actually be pretty obvious. I mean, what other purpose would attempting to define love serve? I say we stop trying to define love. Not because it cannot be defines but because one has to realize that at the end of the day, no matter what definition or theory you adhere to; all you need to do is just simply love.